Lost for Words
Hello my dear patient readers,
I bet you wonder why I am even bothering to attempt to write a blog when I can't seem to keep up with a schedule of posting (or as it seems assessment writing at this late hour) but as a girl who loves writing, has a seemingly increasingly complex and beautiful life, and wants to share with you my observations its hard not to try.
I know you all understand how busy life gets so lets assume you forgive me my time lapse.
This week's blog post is a hard one to write as I want to attempt to share with you my observations about loss . This is a phenomenon which has dictated my life for the past month or so (and if I want to be totally honest, my whole life as I feel constantly at risk of losing who I am) but was brought home to me in shocking-in-your-face-unavoidable-reality when my Grampie died of a heart attack nearly two weeks ago.
I do not share this with you for pity, for views or something to say but as a forum to try and process what loss really is as when I sit here typing this I really feel the weight of the emotional age which I've had to reach before I even turn 20. Perhaps hearing my thoughts will provide you with some comfort, the knowledge you are not alone and the constancy of life when 'bad things' happen.*
As a person who defines herself now as an recovered pessimist it is hard to keep going when life knocks you with a repeated succession of events that are really difficult to even attempt to be optimistic about. Yet I am trying, somehow, to be 'strong' and look around me in order to treasure the people and things around me which are still here.** I am lucky to be blessed with wonderful friends who give great hugs and surround me with love that manages to penetrate the bubble of pain. As well as this the fact that death means a gathering together of family is weirdly hurtful and comforting as I loved being able to finally see my parents, siblings and cousins after too long apart and I treasured that unexpected closeness.
I think that is where the only positive aspect of loss lies because your every thought is instinctually geared towards memories, what ifs and a lack of control about the situation unfolding around you and none of that really is happy and you can't escape that mental leaning, especially when loss was unexpected, that they will suddenly walk through the door.
I really have no words to convey to you the pain and bewildering emptiness that losing a relative brings (especially a grandparent who appeared a pillar that would never fall) as those of you who are unfortunate enough to experience it know how difficult it is to respond to questions such as "How are you?" in any adequate way. Loss also means a loss of words.
So when there aren't any words that you feel you have to give what do you do? As a lover of words for all of my life I am prone to borrowing others and that is what I do now.
Firstly J.K Rowling (the true constant in my life) wrote in Harry Potter and The Philosophers Stone that "to the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure."
Secondly I would like to share with you this W.H Auden poem that has been so much in my mind this past week.
*If not I don't blame you because positivity is always fluctuating and words said in cheering tones can, and have for me this week, fall on resilient ears.
** Have a look at my last blog post at
http://meganmyer.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/looking-for-silver-linings-in_1.html
for inspiration for your own silver linings when life is hard or maybe just for a happier read :-)
I bet you wonder why I am even bothering to attempt to write a blog when I can't seem to keep up with a schedule of posting (or as it seems assessment writing at this late hour) but as a girl who loves writing, has a seemingly increasingly complex and beautiful life, and wants to share with you my observations its hard not to try.
I know you all understand how busy life gets so lets assume you forgive me my time lapse.
This week's blog post is a hard one to write as I want to attempt to share with you my observations about loss . This is a phenomenon which has dictated my life for the past month or so (and if I want to be totally honest, my whole life as I feel constantly at risk of losing who I am) but was brought home to me in shocking-in-your-face-unavoidable-reality when my Grampie died of a heart attack nearly two weeks ago.
I do not share this with you for pity, for views or something to say but as a forum to try and process what loss really is as when I sit here typing this I really feel the weight of the emotional age which I've had to reach before I even turn 20. Perhaps hearing my thoughts will provide you with some comfort, the knowledge you are not alone and the constancy of life when 'bad things' happen.*
As a person who defines herself now as an recovered pessimist it is hard to keep going when life knocks you with a repeated succession of events that are really difficult to even attempt to be optimistic about. Yet I am trying, somehow, to be 'strong' and look around me in order to treasure the people and things around me which are still here.** I am lucky to be blessed with wonderful friends who give great hugs and surround me with love that manages to penetrate the bubble of pain. As well as this the fact that death means a gathering together of family is weirdly hurtful and comforting as I loved being able to finally see my parents, siblings and cousins after too long apart and I treasured that unexpected closeness.
I think that is where the only positive aspect of loss lies because your every thought is instinctually geared towards memories, what ifs and a lack of control about the situation unfolding around you and none of that really is happy and you can't escape that mental leaning, especially when loss was unexpected, that they will suddenly walk through the door.
I really have no words to convey to you the pain and bewildering emptiness that losing a relative brings (especially a grandparent who appeared a pillar that would never fall) as those of you who are unfortunate enough to experience it know how difficult it is to respond to questions such as "How are you?" in any adequate way. Loss also means a loss of words.
So when there aren't any words that you feel you have to give what do you do? As a lover of words for all of my life I am prone to borrowing others and that is what I do now.
Firstly J.K Rowling (the true constant in my life) wrote in Harry Potter and The Philosophers Stone that "to the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure."
Secondly I would like to share with you this W.H Auden poem that has been so much in my mind this past week.
I really don't think I can offer you any more words right now my dears other than to say take heart as a day will dawn when you can smile again, to remind you to treasure all you have and those you love, and always to know that those who love you never truly leave you as they are always in your heart.
I love you all, send much figurative hugs and will attempt to write again soon,
Megan
*If not I don't blame you because positivity is always fluctuating and words said in cheering tones can, and have for me this week, fall on resilient ears.
** Have a look at my last blog post at
http://meganmyer.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/looking-for-silver-linings-in_1.html
for inspiration for your own silver linings when life is hard or maybe just for a happier read :-)
Comments
Post a Comment