Ten things for ten years: World Mental Health Day 2019
Hey everyone,
Long time no post eh? Two years in fact. Wow. Where's that time gone? It's nice to be back, filling the screen with words and sharing time with you all. As some of you may have guessed I'm back because of one reason and that's what drove the creation of this blog post in the first place: Mental health.
I started this blog five years ago and have been posting sporadically since because I wanted to try and explore my journey with mental ill health and share that journey with others. It was one of the scariest things I've ever done, pressing that "publish" button and sharing my facts, my fractured self with the world, those I loved, and those I didn't even know. I wasn't fictional for a moment, I was entirely the most raw exposed version of myself, and I'm so glad I decided to be. Because it's okay not to be okay. And I had to learn that, a really f***ing hard way (I'm still learning that) and I wanted to share that with you.
For those that have been here for the last five years of this blog, or the ten that I have struggled with mental illness, or have been around long enough to know the factual side of my life, you'll know that breaking down the stigma of mental illness, encouraging and campaigning for increased support of mental health, and speaking about my self care practices have been a massive, defining part of my life. Equal to or if not more than my love for Harry Potter, and that's saying something. Sometimes I feel that those two things - books and mental illness are my only identifiers and whilst yes they have had a profound impact on me, shaping me into the person I am today, and I'm not the same person I was before I encountered them and they are my strongest passions they are not the only thing I am.
Almost ten years ago on 30 October 2009, I started self harming, and my battle for well-being, for daily survival, and journey with mental illness began in earnest. I am still awe struck some days that I am here typing to you, breathing, growing, most of the time wanting to be here, and walking across calendar pages that I had planned never to see.
I think this feeling of living in a time I had aimed not to see and couldn't have imagined experiencing has also contributed to my sentimental nature as well as I feel I want to treasure and celebrate even the little things as I'm embrace my recovering pessimist lifestyle. Every birthday, anniversary, and opportunity to mark time that I didn't think I would have, sticking my fingers up to depression and choosing joy unapologetically.
The gift of the last ten years, whilst it every moment hasn't been wonderful, truly feels like that - a gift I was given. That I, and so many of my loved ones, and professionals fought for. As in amongst the self-harm, bulimia, suicidal thoughts and anxiety - I'm still miraculously here and beyond grateful for it. And as we approach the tenth 'anniversary' of my descent into mental ill health but also World Mental Health Day 2019 I thought it would be appropriate to share ten things I've learnt about mental wellbeing and mental ill health and living in general I guess over the last ten years and I wish I could go back and tell myself. I hope they help.
10 things I wish I could have told myself 10 years ago
1. This is some off the worst pain you will ever experience. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. You are so brave. This pain will one day be something you can look at through the long lens of the telescope of memory, even though it will never leave you, it will not consume you.
2. You will want this to stop, and hope that it's fixable. It's not, you're not broken, nothing is wrong with you. Mental health is a constant and right now you're really ill. Those that want to 'fix' you can f*ck right off, those who will stay encourage your wellbeing will stay. You will not be the same after this and that's okay.
3. Recovery is not linear, and it's horrible but those feelings of anxiety, the weight of depression, the desire to self-harm, the suicidal thoughts will never fully leave. You will have them 10 years later. They will wax and wane, and when your wellbeing is low they will creep back in, sometimes with no reason and you will want to reach for your familiar ways of coping. Don't beat yourself up for 'slipping', it's okay. You will learn new strategies and be kind to your mind for the most part.
4. Whilst this experience is horrible, it will bring you into contact with some amazing people who will inspire, challenge and support you. Some of whom will become your friends for life. You will understand each other in ways you thought no-one ever could because darkness of mental illness has created the similar shadows in your minds. They will save you in so many ways, many many times.Treasure them.
5. Your survival will become your superpower. This will make you fearless. You will share your truth with others, and realise you are not alone. You will reveal what you felt ashamed to share in blog posts, in lecture halls, in job applications, in conversations to strangers, and school children.
6. This pain will drive your passion. It will create a need for you to understand, to raise awareness and help others. You will speak up in national newspapers for better resources, you will write two dissertations about depression, grief and how they interact with mental illness and young people because the 'snowflake' comments, empty government promises, harmful stereotypes, and lack of understanding will make you angry. This fire will fuel you, and won't burn out.
7. You will gain incredible empathy because of what you experience will mental illness. This will sometimes mean that you burn your self out, and you will struggle to see people hurting and not be able to help all the time. But eventually you will learn that you can't take care of anyone else before you take care of yourself. Self care is not selfish, it's necessary for survival.
8. You will fall in love with a man that will love you, support you, strengthen you and believe in your ardently every day from the moment that you meet him. He will love every part of you and not shy away when your mental illness rears its head. He will hold you when you have panic attacks, he will sit with you and help you remember how to breathe, he will help you dry your hair on days when you're too gripped by depressive thoughts to remember what the point of looking after yourself is, he'll remind you to eat and cook for you when you can't, and will every day remind you of your worth. There are not enough words to describe how much you love him and will fight for his wellbeing just as strongly.
9. You will make it through this, and get to experience so many incredible moments. You will see your brother get married, your sister head off to uni, make incredible new friends, you will live for two months in a foreign country, you will grow closer to your parents and cheer them on as they continue to inspire you with their endeavours, and you will graduate from university - twice! There is so much of ahead of you, that you right now don't believe you deserve or will get to see. You will and you do. And there's so much more to come that even I don't know.
10. You are so loved. Don't question your right to be alive. Ever.
I will probably always struggle with the month of October, feeling haunted by the ghosts of mental illness that still live in my head at this time of year, unable to casually browse razor blade displays in supermarkets, and unable to tolerate jokes about suicide and self-harm. But that's okay, because some days it's easier. Most days it's easier. And my goodness I'm glad to be here for the good and the bad, and all the other days in between.
Here's to the next ten years, and the next, and the next...
Much love,
Fictionally and factually yours,
M x
Song of the post: Looking up by SafetySuit
Book of the post: Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig
Long time no post eh? Two years in fact. Wow. Where's that time gone? It's nice to be back, filling the screen with words and sharing time with you all. As some of you may have guessed I'm back because of one reason and that's what drove the creation of this blog post in the first place: Mental health.
I started this blog five years ago and have been posting sporadically since because I wanted to try and explore my journey with mental ill health and share that journey with others. It was one of the scariest things I've ever done, pressing that "publish" button and sharing my facts, my fractured self with the world, those I loved, and those I didn't even know. I wasn't fictional for a moment, I was entirely the most raw exposed version of myself, and I'm so glad I decided to be. Because it's okay not to be okay. And I had to learn that, a really f***ing hard way (I'm still learning that) and I wanted to share that with you.
For those that have been here for the last five years of this blog, or the ten that I have struggled with mental illness, or have been around long enough to know the factual side of my life, you'll know that breaking down the stigma of mental illness, encouraging and campaigning for increased support of mental health, and speaking about my self care practices have been a massive, defining part of my life. Equal to or if not more than my love for Harry Potter, and that's saying something. Sometimes I feel that those two things - books and mental illness are my only identifiers and whilst yes they have had a profound impact on me, shaping me into the person I am today, and I'm not the same person I was before I encountered them and they are my strongest passions they are not the only thing I am.
“Depression is also smaller than you. Always, it is smaller than you, even when it feels vast. It operates within you, you do not operate within it. It may be a dark cloud passing across the sky but - if that is the metaphor - you are the sky. You were there before it. And the cloud can't exist without the sky, but the sky can exist without the cloud.”
- Matt Haig, Reasons to Stay Alive
Almost ten years ago on 30 October 2009, I started self harming, and my battle for well-being, for daily survival, and journey with mental illness began in earnest. I am still awe struck some days that I am here typing to you, breathing, growing, most of the time wanting to be here, and walking across calendar pages that I had planned never to see.
I think this feeling of living in a time I had aimed not to see and couldn't have imagined experiencing has also contributed to my sentimental nature as well as I feel I want to treasure and celebrate even the little things as I'm embrace my recovering pessimist lifestyle. Every birthday, anniversary, and opportunity to mark time that I didn't think I would have, sticking my fingers up to depression and choosing joy unapologetically.
The gift of the last ten years, whilst it every moment hasn't been wonderful, truly feels like that - a gift I was given. That I, and so many of my loved ones, and professionals fought for. As in amongst the self-harm, bulimia, suicidal thoughts and anxiety - I'm still miraculously here and beyond grateful for it. And as we approach the tenth 'anniversary' of my descent into mental ill health but also World Mental Health Day 2019 I thought it would be appropriate to share ten things I've learnt about mental wellbeing and mental ill health and living in general I guess over the last ten years and I wish I could go back and tell myself. I hope they help.
10 things I wish I could have told myself 10 years ago
1. This is some off the worst pain you will ever experience. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. You are so brave. This pain will one day be something you can look at through the long lens of the telescope of memory, even though it will never leave you, it will not consume you.
2. You will want this to stop, and hope that it's fixable. It's not, you're not broken, nothing is wrong with you. Mental health is a constant and right now you're really ill. Those that want to 'fix' you can f*ck right off, those who will stay encourage your wellbeing will stay. You will not be the same after this and that's okay.
3. Recovery is not linear, and it's horrible but those feelings of anxiety, the weight of depression, the desire to self-harm, the suicidal thoughts will never fully leave. You will have them 10 years later. They will wax and wane, and when your wellbeing is low they will creep back in, sometimes with no reason and you will want to reach for your familiar ways of coping. Don't beat yourself up for 'slipping', it's okay. You will learn new strategies and be kind to your mind for the most part.
4. Whilst this experience is horrible, it will bring you into contact with some amazing people who will inspire, challenge and support you. Some of whom will become your friends for life. You will understand each other in ways you thought no-one ever could because darkness of mental illness has created the similar shadows in your minds. They will save you in so many ways, many many times.Treasure them.
5. Your survival will become your superpower. This will make you fearless. You will share your truth with others, and realise you are not alone. You will reveal what you felt ashamed to share in blog posts, in lecture halls, in job applications, in conversations to strangers, and school children.
6. This pain will drive your passion. It will create a need for you to understand, to raise awareness and help others. You will speak up in national newspapers for better resources, you will write two dissertations about depression, grief and how they interact with mental illness and young people because the 'snowflake' comments, empty government promises, harmful stereotypes, and lack of understanding will make you angry. This fire will fuel you, and won't burn out.
7. You will gain incredible empathy because of what you experience will mental illness. This will sometimes mean that you burn your self out, and you will struggle to see people hurting and not be able to help all the time. But eventually you will learn that you can't take care of anyone else before you take care of yourself. Self care is not selfish, it's necessary for survival.
8. You will fall in love with a man that will love you, support you, strengthen you and believe in your ardently every day from the moment that you meet him. He will love every part of you and not shy away when your mental illness rears its head. He will hold you when you have panic attacks, he will sit with you and help you remember how to breathe, he will help you dry your hair on days when you're too gripped by depressive thoughts to remember what the point of looking after yourself is, he'll remind you to eat and cook for you when you can't, and will every day remind you of your worth. There are not enough words to describe how much you love him and will fight for his wellbeing just as strongly.
9. You will make it through this, and get to experience so many incredible moments. You will see your brother get married, your sister head off to uni, make incredible new friends, you will live for two months in a foreign country, you will grow closer to your parents and cheer them on as they continue to inspire you with their endeavours, and you will graduate from university - twice! There is so much of ahead of you, that you right now don't believe you deserve or will get to see. You will and you do. And there's so much more to come that even I don't know.
10. You are so loved. Don't question your right to be alive. Ever.
I will probably always struggle with the month of October, feeling haunted by the ghosts of mental illness that still live in my head at this time of year, unable to casually browse razor blade displays in supermarkets, and unable to tolerate jokes about suicide and self-harm. But that's okay, because some days it's easier. Most days it's easier. And my goodness I'm glad to be here for the good and the bad, and all the other days in between.
Here's to the next ten years, and the next, and the next...
Much love,
Fictionally and factually yours,
M x
Song of the post: Looking up by SafetySuit
Book of the post: Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig
You beautiful young woman. Here, indeed, to the next ten and the next and the next...
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