Choosing to Overcome the Unknown: The Countdown to Degree Completion

Hey folks!

As per usual - long time no blog posts. It seems to me that the one of the main reasons why I have come back to this blog over the past few months (even with just unfinished drafts that are building up) is because of the topics which press on my mind. That has always been the way with my writing process I think. If I have a passion for something and it berates me enough mentally it has to get put down on a page somewhere for me to even begin to move past it or make sense of it.

Therefore, as part of that process, I today offer you lovely blog readers who have stuck with me over the past year or so through my various verbal diatribes and rambling rhetoric, a glance into what has been dictating my mind a lot over the past few weeks (read as year). This is the fact - which is both simultaneously exciting and terrifying - that I am in my third and final year of university. Therefore the prospect of 4 weeks actually left of lectures and 40 days until my final piece of work is submitted has been playing on my mind incessantly today.

I personally think that this is also the best use of my time when have an exam in 3 days and an ever-growing/never-ending To Do List, because until I get this out of my head and on a page it's just gonna swirl around in my noggin'.

It seems like a clichéd phrase to use but it feels like I was moving into my first year flat just yesterday not 3 years ago. The concept of time moves differently for us student folk in big long stretches until the holiday periods when we return home or until student loan day then jumps ridiculously fast in the build up to a deadline or during a one-hour Netflix episode break from work...

But time does move, regardless of its changeable pace. Behind the numbers counting down to assessment freedom or backwards to the first day of university are hundreds upon hundreds of lived moments and memories. None of us have the exact same ones and not all have been the 'amazing experience' we imagined when we added that option to our UCAS from all those many moons ago. We are not slaves to the hands of the clocks though. From day one of the ridiculous experience that is student-hood we've all made choices that have dictated our individual experiences of it.

These choices - as do all we make - have the ability to define us by the emphasis we place on them.

For those of you have been plagued/blessed enough to know me, you will be aware that I spend a large portion of my time contemplating 'What Ifs', weighing up decisions and worrying. Lots of worrying. I've got better at this over the past few years, learning to take risks, embracing living in the present more, and seeing the benefits of change but I still have moments of mental entrapment with my actions and options.

So therefore I think:

- 'What if I'd met said individual sooner'

- 'What if I'd fought harder to maintain relationship x'

- 'What if I'd chosen that module'

- 'What if I'd gotten involved with that work experience/job/society'

- 'What if I'd spoken up in that situation'

- 'What if I'd visited more new places'

- 'What if I'd started that revision/assessment/dissertation planning earlier'

And so on. On repeat. In a variety of formats.

But do you know what the voice that says these things in my head is not as loud as the one who makes me sit back and realise what an utterly wonderful, and surreal, past 3 years these have been. I am not the same person that arrived in Sheffield all that time ago.

I've taken risks, learnt new things, made friends that make my heart smile, discovered my voice is worth listening to, found new skills, gotten good marks, gotten bad marks, felt empowered, felt worthless, forgotten the new things I learnt, stayed up until the sunrise, danced terribly (felt amazing), found writers/filmmakers that express the confused thoughts of my mind like they'd reached into my heart and pulled the words out decades before I was even born, found writers etc that made me question why the convoluted thoughts of MY essays get questioned, travelled the world, had amazing conversations, discovered new loves, left old ones, hurt others, been hurt, said goodbye to old ways of thinking, visited endless amounts of train stations/airports in a varying degree of emotional states, made mistakes, signed for apartments, felt like an adult, felt free, felt like a child, stepped up to opportunities I never would have considered, recovered, relapsed, hoped, supported, despaired, wrote - lots, ate - even more, exercised, fund raised, publicised, slept, stayed awake too long, felt lost, felt purposeful, had a range of jobs, got rejected for an even bigger range of jobs, felt out of control, felt in control, gave up, refused to give up, been brave, been stupid, been reckless, laughed more than I ever thought I would again, panicked, breathed, watched a lot of films/tv, read good books, read bad books, read life-changing books, forgot what free time was, didn't use free time when I had it, argued, wrote, hugged, loved, and made choices.

In a time where I feel confused about what is to come it is important to realise that I have made choices and changed over the past few years into someone I am still getting to know. We make choices every day. They can contradict or support but with every one we make we take part in a process of becoming, not confirming, who we are.

The choice I made in August 2013 to come to the University of Sheffield and study my BA in English Literature is one I have never regretted since I made it.

Yes, there have been days where I've felt directionless about my future and down-hearted about my academic progress. This has not been a linear journey of ever-increasing awesomeness but it has been one I would not have missed out on experiencing for the world. I love being able to study what I care about, to have my ways of thinking challenging, to bring different perspectives to discussions, to watch Woody Allen films, to read Byron's poetry, to talk about race/women/trauma/politics/war/selfhood in an open environment, to read, to think, to create, and to surround myself with people who believe that literature is not an outside force to culture but can change it.

It's not all rose-tinted vision and unending passion. I question why I have to read certain things. I forget why I love reading. I deplore word counts and assessment of my personal value. But damn if I don't know there is nothing else I would rather have spent the past 3 years doing. I can complain because I made the choice but I wouldn't complain that I made the choice.

So whilst I am terrified about life post-June for several reasons (despite holding an MA offer) not limited to not living with some of the sisters of my soul, having to walk across a stage in front of lots of people, leaving the comfort of Student Loans, and feeling like I have an array of still-invisible choices to make: it's okay.

It will be okay. I have the power to make choices that can shape me in the ways I want them to, and there will be many more opportunities that I haven't even be presented with yet. Even as a recovering-pessimist I can say that.

Life can seem out of control so often and for a variety of reasons. Especially for us final year students who are attempting to bridge passing our degree, having an amazing time, and sorting out what lies ahead. It can often feel chaotic and confusing. The rigour of this mental/time balancing act can zap even the most confident among us. But do you know what I know? I know we can do this. I've been doing it for the past 3 years and so have you all. We are champions of survival and will keep going on until that success hits.

Whether you're the kind of person with a 5 year plan or some one who doesn't know what you're doing in the next 5 minutes, you can do this.

We have the power to make choices, and when the right ones aren't present we can create our own. And if we make the wrong ones then we have time enough to figure out a different path. To be crippled by the challenges ahead, afraid to make choices, or feeling like we have none placed before us is when we really give in to the low-value society still places on students from Arts & Humanities students and what our culture expects from our generation as a whole.

This blog post will serve as a personal reminder to me that the future can be scary, that my decisions can sometimes be random, but by goodness there is so much ahead to look forward to.

The unknown is not a chasm for my mind but a space in which to write the next chapter on even if I'm unaware of the ending.

I am not who I was 3 years ago and to be honest I don't know who I want to be either. If 3 years of an English Literature degree has taught me one thing that I value it is that the self is not static. The imprints we leave behind are already not us. We are changing, discovering, conflicted, beyond brilliant, and above all: still becoming.

The 'I' that the woman behind this keyboard chooses to write with today signifies a whole messy human life form behind it that will not be the same in several years time. And do you know what? I can't wait to meet her.

There may be a few hectic months ahead containing sleepless nights, and epic celebrations, but I - and you - are blessed to be able to choose how to spend all the little moments in between.

We can do this.

We are already doing this.

I'll leave you the eternally applicable words of Albus Dumbledore:

Thank you for reading.

Much love,

M xx

Song of The Post: We're All In This Together - High School Musical Cast (Unapologetic cheesy choice today)